The I Never Woulda Thought Incident

Recently, I was chillin' on Facebook (the ultimate time sucker) while killing time before my son woke up for the day and an instant message popped up from a mom I knew briefly online a while ago. Her son is the exact same age as mine. We chatted. It was pleasant. Until the subject of preschool came up.

Keep in mind, my child is speech delayed, rolled over, crawled, and walked late, and still isn't potty trained. When I give him his teddy bear vitamins, he promptly puts them in his ears. Every time. Clearly, we're not dealing with a genius here.

I'm not shitting you, this is an actual excerpt from our conversation:

"I know my son is more than ready to go to preschool, except for the separation anxiety. He's already reading. He's learning French from our neighbors and picks up EVERYTHING so quickly. Its crazy what he knows.He is doing math problems at least at a grade 1 level... he's adding, subtracting and some simple division. He writes his whole alphabet and knows his numbers to 100... likely more.He loves work books and I can't keep up with him! He says ALL DONE mommy I need a new one. He really has an aptitude for music too. He remembers songs after hearing them once and sings on pitch perfectly. " This is all about her TWO YEAR OLD.

You can imagine how I felt. I wrote back with a few "oh wow's" and "that's greats" before saying I needed to go running before it got too hot. I KNOW she doesn't exercise and at this point, I felt the need to make myself feel superior about something, and it was all I had! Don't judge me. Also, don't judge me for copying and pasting part of our conversation. I know it means I'm going to burn in hell. I figure my chances of not are pretty slim at this point anyways. I always swore I would NEVER cut and paste an IM chat. I've seen it hurt people in the past. I never wanted to be that person. Yet, here I am. Ah hell, judge me if you want. I do.

So, I did go running, and reflected on that fucking DELIGHTFUL chat that I had copied and pasted. It kinda got me thinking about things I NEVER thought I would do. And I started a mental list.

1. I never thought I would be part of a chat board. Ever. But the relationship with the women I have on my mommy board is incredible. They are ALL my soul mates. No subject is off limits....sins, sex, alcohol, husbands, friends, work, kids, cupcakes, fupas, sharting, genius two year olds, peeing during zumba.....

2. I never thought I would be a runner. I've always been active and when I hit college and stopped being involved in physical activities, quickly blew up like a balloon. I figured that was just how I was gonna be. I knew I had too little self confidence to join a gym and work out in front of people (god forbid someone see me use equipment wrong, or see my arm pit sweat) and running did not appeal to me. Yet, I tried it and now do it almost daily. Not well, mind you. But when your only goal is to GO (not in a certain time, not for a certain difference, not using a certain technique), it's pretty hard to disappoint yourself.

3. I'd never thought I'd loose touch with some of the friends that I have. As I've changed, my friendships have changed. I know that's normal, but it also leaves me feeling friendless sometimes. Too bad my 16 soul mates don't live closer.

4. I never thought I wouldn't go to church. I grew up going EVERY Sunday. Church camps every summer. Birthday parties with church friends. Church church church. Upon moving out of my parents' house when I was 18, I realized not everyone in the world goes to church religiously. I experimented with that. And found I kinda liked it. Or at least, liked the sleeping in on Sundays part.



5. I never thought I'd write. Yet in the past few months I've filled up a journal and a half (of mostly rubbish) and started a blog. Who AM I? Don't get me wrong, I'm not kidding myself by thinking I'm any good at it or anything. I swear, no self-accolades here. If you've ever met me, you know I'm pretty much the last person to compliment myself.


6. I never thought I could be a regular at Starbucks. I hate coffee. Can't stand the taste and won't even eat coffee ice cream! But, someone introduced me to chai lattes a few years ago and ooooohhhh, the heaven. A little mouthgasm with every sip. Finally, the hundreds of dollars I've gotten in gift cards as teacher gifts can be put to good use! And I can be part of the cool crowd with the fancy Starbucks cups.

7. I never thought I'd own a dog. Grew up with cats, always thought of myself as a cat person. Yet, not 2 feet from me is a dog, sleeping peacefully next to his gigantic bed. How in the hell did that happen? Why would I voluntarily bring a creature into my house that sheds everywhere, chews on shit, needs to be walked twice a day, and whose poop I have to pick up? And yes, I'm talking about dogs, not kids. Though I could see why you might be confused.

My favorite ever pic of our furry guy

8. I never thought I would have to learn to cook twice. It was hard enough the first time. But when we found out about my son's food allergies, I had to start all over. After many botched attempts at milkless and eggless bread, pancakes, muffins, and cupcakes, I'm finally getting the hang of it. My favorite way to screw with my coworkers is to bring in a batch of treats, watch them get eaten and enjoyed, and then announce "They were vegan!". Better than putting their staplers in jello.

9. I never thought I'd marry the man I did. We were friends for a while before dating and I often said I didn't think I could kiss him without laughing. Amazing how a few drinks can change things.



10. I never thought I would be old enough to make an I never thought list. When in the hell did I get to be 32? Ok, 32 and a half, really. My TEN YEAR COLLEGE REUNION is in a few weeks. How is it possible I've been out of college for ten years? I never thought I'd be OLD!!!!!!

And now, I challenge you...what's one thing you never thought you'd do?