I had such a productive, successful week. This week I managed to.....
1. Confuse and bewilder 25 third graders while teaching long division. For over an hour a day. For 4 days in a row.
Pardon me while I tear my arm off so I can beat myself over the head with it.
2. #1 has helped lead me to my life-long goal of becoming an alcoholic. I accomplished a vital step in that journey this week: drinking a lot.
3. Push my son ever closer to needing serious therapy due to the fact the only time I spent was him was while we were in the car. And I spent that time listening to Jazzercise music and reviewing routines. Yeah, his issues will have issues, pretty sure.
4. Make my ass so incredibly sore, it hurts to walk, stand, sit, or breathe. Because apparently you use your ass when breathing. That's what happens when you teach 7 classes in 4 days. Wowzah.
5. Lose a few pounds. That's what happens when your insides are all f'd up from being over-physically active and over-tired. Things aren't exactly staying put after I eat them. Good times, good times.
6. Add to the earth's soil via the killing of house plants. My longest living house plant, which was at least 9 years old, kicked the bucket this week. In the same week, I've also lost 2 outdoor plants. My neighbor got a fake plant for her front porch. Given the chance, I'd probably kill that, too.
Yup, all together, it was a well-rounded, fulfilling week. I look forward to the next one, where I will likely reach my long-awaited goals of causing multi-car pileups and burning toast repeatedly, all while cutting out any meaningful relationships. Sweet.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Incident in which I Developed A New Personal Policy
So, I'm on Facebook. Duh. Who isn't? And on this social network, I network socially with a lot of other moms of young kids.
Many moms of young kids don't work outside the house full-time (wonder what that's like?!) and have little side businesses. Power to them. Peddling anything from hair styling to photography to candle selling to whatever. Again, power to them. Rock on, stay at home moms. Making some money off of something you love? Nice. Truly, I think it's great.
Unfortunately, this need to sell shit has combined with social networking and created this monster of LIKE ME contests. You know the ones. "Ohhhh, PLEASE vote for my adorable toofuckincuteforwords child in this contest so we win a free photography session with this random photographer (who, no doubt, is a mom of young kids). All you have to do is 'like' the photographer, then like my picture". Ok, I have NO issue with that. At all. Really.
But my Facebook newsfeed has been BOMBARDED with these contests. And these women post some version of the above announcement like 13 times a day. Be it winning photography sessions, makeovers, haircuts, cards, diapers....whatever.
A few years ago, I instated a personal policy: no 'parties'.
Not like no 'woowhoo let's get wasted' parties. I would never turn down one of those.
I mean no purse parties. Or candle parties. Or jewelry parties. Or kitchen utensil parties. Or tupperware parties. Or flipflop parties. Or stamp parties. Or clothing parties. Or any other party where I have to sit through some eager saleslady's pitch about how this perfect product can be broach, hat, and pterodactyl all in one. The last time I went to a clothing party, the saleslady called a pair of jeans magical. Magical jeans? REALLY? Why, did Harry Potter wear them or something? Please.
The shit being sold is so ridiculously overpriced, I just can't stand it. And teachers? They LOVE these little parties. Being a teacher myself, I hang out with other teachers pretty frequently, and I get invitations to these super special oneofakind events from teacher friends ALL the time. I don't go. It's against my policy. My time and money? I'd rather spend them buying tequila for my next 'woowhoo let's get wasted' party.
So, I've been forced to develop a new policy. It's a no voting for shit on Facebook so my Facebook friends can win some contest policy. You want to win shit? Buy a lotto ticket. Or put a dollar in a change machine. I guarantee you'll win 4 quarters EVERY time.
Best of luck to all the eager contestants and I apologize that you will not have my support. I'm too busy creating my next excuse as to why I cannot attend the beadazzled stapler remover party some teacher invited me to.
Many moms of young kids don't work outside the house full-time (wonder what that's like?!) and have little side businesses. Power to them. Peddling anything from hair styling to photography to candle selling to whatever. Again, power to them. Rock on, stay at home moms. Making some money off of something you love? Nice. Truly, I think it's great.
Unfortunately, this need to sell shit has combined with social networking and created this monster of LIKE ME contests. You know the ones. "Ohhhh, PLEASE vote for my adorable toofuckincuteforwords child in this contest so we win a free photography session with this random photographer (who, no doubt, is a mom of young kids). All you have to do is 'like' the photographer, then like my picture". Ok, I have NO issue with that. At all. Really.
But my Facebook newsfeed has been BOMBARDED with these contests. And these women post some version of the above announcement like 13 times a day. Be it winning photography sessions, makeovers, haircuts, cards, diapers....whatever.
A few years ago, I instated a personal policy: no 'parties'.
Not like no 'woowhoo let's get wasted' parties. I would never turn down one of those.
I mean no purse parties. Or candle parties. Or jewelry parties. Or kitchen utensil parties. Or tupperware parties. Or flipflop parties. Or stamp parties. Or clothing parties. Or any other party where I have to sit through some eager saleslady's pitch about how this perfect product can be broach, hat, and pterodactyl all in one. The last time I went to a clothing party, the saleslady called a pair of jeans magical. Magical jeans? REALLY? Why, did Harry Potter wear them or something? Please.
The shit being sold is so ridiculously overpriced, I just can't stand it. And teachers? They LOVE these little parties. Being a teacher myself, I hang out with other teachers pretty frequently, and I get invitations to these super special oneofakind events from teacher friends ALL the time. I don't go. It's against my policy. My time and money? I'd rather spend them buying tequila for my next 'woowhoo let's get wasted' party.
So, I've been forced to develop a new policy. It's a no voting for shit on Facebook so my Facebook friends can win some contest policy. You want to win shit? Buy a lotto ticket. Or put a dollar in a change machine. I guarantee you'll win 4 quarters EVERY time.
Best of luck to all the eager contestants and I apologize that you will not have my support. I'm too busy creating my next excuse as to why I cannot attend the beadazzled stapler remover party some teacher invited me to.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The incident where everyone loves my tampons
"Mommy, what's this?" ask my child as he holds a tampon (unused, in wrapper, found on floor where cat left it after playing with it).
"It's a tampon," I answer.
"Goes inside your body?" Yeah, 3 year olds don't really believe in privacy when mom is in the bathroom.
"Yes," I respond, feeling slightly irritated at this point.
"Why?" ok, he asks this about 234903284908 times a day. I don't know why I bother to answer any more. It does not deter him from continuing to ask.
"Because mommies use it when they are on their period. Can I have it back please?"
"Noooooooo!!!!! I want a period!"
For fucks sake. My dog eats my tampons. My cat plays with my tampons. My child takes them and wants them for himself.WILL EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE PLEASE LEAVE MY FUCKING TAMPONS ALONE???????
"It's a tampon," I answer.
"Goes inside your body?" Yeah, 3 year olds don't really believe in privacy when mom is in the bathroom.
"Yes," I respond, feeling slightly irritated at this point.
"Why?" ok, he asks this about 234903284908 times a day. I don't know why I bother to answer any more. It does not deter him from continuing to ask.
"Because mommies use it when they are on their period. Can I have it back please?"
"Noooooooo!!!!! I want a period!"
For fucks sake. My dog eats my tampons. My cat plays with my tampons. My child takes them and wants them for himself.WILL EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE PLEASE LEAVE MY FUCKING TAMPONS ALONE???????
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