The Super Woman Incident

On a recent random, unimportant day, I came to the conclusion that I am, indeed Super Woman.

Do your best to restrain your envy.

In the morning, I attempted a new recipe for vegan Oatmeal Banana Blender Waffles. I had my doubts, but they came out fantastic and my son loved them. Score one for Super Chef!

It was at that moment, I knew. This unimportant, average day had gone from meaningless to super. I began to be on the look out for other super moments.

The next one was at the drug store down the street later that morning. I bought diapers, orange juice, a case of beer, 2 bottles of vodka, 2 bottles of rum, and my son's asthma medication. I'm not kidding you, this was the exact contents of my shopping cart. Note how the amount of alcoholic purchases outnumbers the amount of nonalcoholic purchases. All with my son in tow. I used mega coupons and saved over $50. Buying copious amounts of alcohol with my child AND couponing! We'll ignore the screaming in the parking lot incident that happened afterwards and call me Super Mom (just please don't call CPS, kthanks)!

Midday came mommy and me swim lessons. The water? A little chilly. I managed to get my kid to have fun while never having to go in past my boobs. Super Manipulator!

After swim lessons, lunch and nap. My kid played in his room for over 2 hours instead of sleeping. I put him back in bed with a stern "It's time for night night, stay in bed" several times. None of them worked. Clearly, I can kiss my Super Disciplinarian cape goodbye.

Later that afternoon, the dog needed walking. We do this twice a day. My kid is over walking the dog. I can't blame him. It's boring, it's hot, it's a lot of waiting around for someone to poop. To get the kid to agree going in the stroller for the walk, I bribed him with a cup of corn flakes. Yes, that's me, Super Briber!

On the walk, we saw 2 chickens pecking in some garbage outside the disgusting building attempting to pass itself off as apartments, and a dead skunk. Obviously, this was the perfect time to teach about how farm life belongs on a farm and the circle of life. It was like an educational field trip. For I am Super Teacher!

I had the brilliant idea to go home, make tortillas, get his dinner ready, and wash and iron the curtains in his room. I pulled out the iron and ironing board and the kid asks me what it is. Ummm, apparently I don't iron much. That would be because I hate ironing. Yes, I am Super Avoider!

The tortillas came out pretty good, but he ate 3 bites of his dinner, and fell asleep on the floor in his bedroom before I could finish the curtains. I threw out the rest of his dinner and continued to finish the curtains since his room wouldn't be dark without them. Hello Super Waster and Super Lack of Time Managmenter!

Because he was already asleep, I left him on the floor while I put all the curtains back up. While walking to his room with my arms full of curtains, I manage to kick a misplaced fire truck, giving myself a LOVELY blood bruise on my toe. Then I stepped on the kid's foot while rehanging the curtains (but he's Super Sleeper and didn't even stir). That's me, Super Klutz!

I get him to bed, then get my own dinner together and make a new drink using some of the ingredients bought on my Super Mom trip that morning. It ended up being one of those 'hey, I can hardly taste the alcohol, oops I'm hammered' drinks. Add Super Bartender to the list!

It was around then I realized that I had jogged, stood in chlorine, walked, cooked, and ironed all on a hot day, yet hadn't showered. Ding! Super Stinky!

Clearly, I am blessed with super powers. Be amazed, mere mortals, be amazed.

As the day began to close, I heard my neighbor scream at her toddler "SHUT UP!". At least I could go to bed knowing that I'm not Super Yeller.