The Incident In Which I Learned About Potty Training Essentials

Alright, this is long. Even for me. So if you're not into long posts, move along.

I spent the first week of my summer focusing on me. Did some serious dieting, lots of writing, took some personal space. It was fabulous. And, in theory, should have invigorated me to potty train my son during week 2. In theory. Yeah, Communism is good, in theory. Part of me was worried about the basics. Is he ready? How, exactly, do I do this? What supplies do I need?

A few trips to CVS and Target for, what I though were potty training essentials left me feeling relatively prepared. Thomas the Tank Engine underwear? Check! Caprisuns? Check! Jelly beans? Check! Flushable wipes? Check! Case of beer? Check!

Potty Training Essential #1

Don't get me wrong, I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I read a book, had lots of mommy friends to turn to for advice, and jelly beans.

He woke up on the big day with snot everywhere. Great. He's been healthy for months and the day I wanted to start potty training he's sick. Fucking figures. Oh well, I cleared my calendar for this little endeavor and was not planning letting a little snot hold me back.

Day One


When I went into his room to get him up (which he lets me know he's ready for by knocking on the inside of his door and saying 'knock knock knock! Hellooooo?') I excitedly pulled out his little boy underwear. And hence began our first challenge. Not getting him to put them on. No no, our challenge was getting him to put pants on over them. Had we not needed to walk the dog, I would have skipped fighting that battle. But I wasn't comfortable taking him out onto the streets in his undies. Call me crazy, but it just seemed like a bad idea. So, after several minutes of showing him my own underwear under my pants and convincing him that's how everyone wears underwear (well most people anyways, I figured there's no need to tell him about the likes of Ru Paul quite yet), he begrudgingly let me put pants on him.




We make it through jogging with the dog with no problems, and come home where I introduced the jelly beans. The SECOND he realized there was CANDY on OUR counter, he freaked. Let me back up. We don't keep candy in the house. Wait. Let me rephrase that. We don't keep candy in the house that he's aware of. His diet is fairly limited due to the extensive food allergy demons, so we tend to skip treats at home and save them for when we are out and about and he's exposed to food he can't have. That way the treats are extra special. And, more importantly, we get to save the good stuff at home for ourselves.


Anyways, the jelly beans had been revealed. Oh. My. God. WTF was I THINKING? Idiot! He freaked out, wanting all of them. So, our first 2 hours of offical potty training were spent mostly whining, kicking, and screaming on the kitchen floor over colored sugar in the shape of a bean.

Potty Training Essential #2

We were able to move past it , however. With the help of Soccer Player. Don't laugh, it was the only doll-like figure we had in the house that possessed pants. I demonstrated several times with Soccer Player how when he goes on the potty, he gets a jelly bean. It took a while, but the kid finally got it.

Potty Training Essential #3

So, he went on the potty. Bunches of times. Pretty much every time I put him on it, he went. And received the coveted jelly bean. Sounds like a rousing sucess, right? Please. Do you think I'd be writing about it if it was a rousing success?

Before noon that day, I had the blessing of cleaning up not one, but two pairs of very messy undewear and watching my snotty kid fall alseep on the floor of the living room. I decided it was time to introduce him to his first pull up and put him down for an early nap. When he awoke at 3, I almost cried, realizing we had almost 5 hours until bedtime in front of us and my husband wasn't going to be home until 11 that night.



I'm college educated. I have a masters degree. I've been teaching children for almost a decade (damn, I'm old). I could do it. So, I bust out the big guns: Caprisuns. Or 'special juice' as we were calling it. I give him his first, waiting for his little bladder to fill with sugary goodness, and within 15 minutes began the whole Soccer Player on the potty for a jelly bean routine. It worked.

Potty Training Essential #4

I should clarify. It worked until he peed all over my kitchen floor. He meaning my kid, not Soccer Player.

It was then when I began to realize the errors of my ways. Caprisuns. Jelly beans. Sugary crap. Of which he never gets. Oh my, did his temperment begin to change. Yipes. My kid on sugar, not pleasant. I made it until 5:30 until I cracked open that case of beer. I thought making it that long was actually pretty good.


We ended day one with having gone through 4 pairs of underwear and half a bag of jelly beans (which, I ate MORE than my fair share of for sure). I did a spontaneous load of synchronized of beer drinking con laundrywhile he peacefully slept in his pull up.

Day Two


Oh dear lord, did he remember day one. The first thing he asked me about in the morning was jelly beans and special juice. It pretty much went downhill from there. There was a tantrum within 20 minutes of being up. We survived a jog, then started with the tantrums shortly after returning home. At one point I glanced at the clock thinking "it's gotta be close to 5 so I can drink, right?". Nope. It was 9:32 AM. No way. No fucking way.




2 accidents before noon. Although I consider the fact that I sopped up the pee with some paper towels before the pee made it under the fridge to be a rousing success.

Potty Training Essential #5

During his naptime, I realized I had to pee. But since the bathroom was where I had spent what seemed like the last several months of my life, I held it as long as possible. You might be asking yourself "How screwed up is that?" To that I answer, a lot. A whole lot. When I did go, I rewarded myself with a jelly bean. Or five. It only seemed fair.

After nap (which was almost 4 hours, god bless that kid), things really started to fall apart. He had refused to eat anything at breakfast and lunch, and didn't want a snack. So his entire diet for that day was pretty much 'special juice' and jelly beans. Which mean that he would experience 5-10 minutes of a little sugar high, then approximately 510 minutes of the sugar low. The afternoon was hellish, and the entire day ended in me trying to get him to pee on the potty, him telling me he was going to pee in his Thomas underwear, so me putting a diaper back on him, then us both crying in the kitchen.

It was around then that , on a whim, texted our babysitter/friend to see if she could sit the upcoming Saturday so I could regain my saniety by knowing there was something coming up to look forward to that didn't involve sugar and urine. Her response was a firm maybe. Ha. If she was a real friend, she would have offered to come over that second so I could hightail it out of the house (kidding, I love this girl!). Deep breath...maybe isn't a no? Right? RIGHT? I could live on a dream.

Potty Training Essential #6

The highlight of day two was that my husband was home that night, so I got to take an hour and head to, wait for it... Kmart, where I invested in less sugary juice, Teddy Grams, and Finding Nemo underwear. Let me repeat, this was the HIGHLIGHT of my day. Yes, I felt very fucking sorry for myself by the time my own bedtime rolled around.

Where to buy back-up Potty Training Essentials/a place to go when Mommy needs to get the hell out of the house

To be fair, the true highlight of my day was a "I'm a super supportive friend and love you" phone call from one of my girls. So, I guess my trip to the BigK was just a bonus?

Day Three
He was excited to try the underwear again and excited for new treats (Teddy Bear Cookie, as I chose to call them). So you can imagine his excitement when I promised him a WHOLE GUMMY WORM if he poop on the potty. Lemme tell ya, I've never seen him work so hard for anything. And, should I ever make him a custom tshirt, it will say "Will Poop For Gummy Worms".

Potty Training Essential #7

We finished the morning with, even after 3 juice boxes, holding it. The jelly beans and teddy bear cookie bribes were failing me, which I found just unbelievable. I mean, if somebody promised me a cookie or jelly bean just for peeing, I'd pee all day! I put him in a pull up for nap and have little doubt that the second I put it on him, he let it all go. The one positive thing about the morning? I like Teddy Grams far less than jelly beans, so induldged in far less of his potty snacks.

Potty Training Essential #8

He bypassed nap for the fabulous, time-honored traditional activity of taking all his books off his shelf and strewing them about his room. Which meant we went to speech VERY grumpy and in a pull up. My goal had been only pull ups for sleep. Oh well, ya can't win'em all, right? Just don't go telling any perfect moms. And if you are a perfect mom, you can totally bite me.

We got home, peed on the potty (yipee), then proceeded to have not one, but two poop accidents. What the fuck? What child poops FOUR TIMES IN ONE DAY? Give me a break! What made it all REALLY fun is he had eaten zucchini pancakes the 2 days before, so the poop was a lovely shade of bright green. It looks awesome on the floor next to the f'ing toilet.

Potty Training Essential #9

By the end of day 3, I switched from beer to wine. Mostly cuz I had forgotten to put more beer in the fridge, yet there was a full bottle of wine waiting for me. No matter. Wine? It is good. And really, at that point I probably would have drunk rubbing alcohol if that's all that was avaliable.

Potty Training Essential #10

Overall, I learned a lot about potty training in these 3 days. So, if any mom ever asks my advice on potty training (which I don't really expect to ever happen, but if Michael Jackson can father a child, I suppose anything's possible), I now know what to tell her. Don't waste your time buying the right kind of underwear, or worrying about what kind of pull-ups to by. None of that matters. Treats, juice (both kid and mommy), dolls, and cleaners are the real basics.