The Awwwwwkward Incident

I went to a little festivity this weekend. It was a very informal pot luck/pool party with people from Jazzercise. I didn't really want to go. I don't talk to that many people while I'm at Jazzercise beyond the "how are you?" conversations, and certainly haven't made friends with anyone, really. But since I'm training to be an instructor, I figured it would probably be a good move professionally on my part. And everyone is pretty nice. No murders or anything, pretty sure.

Plus, we've lived in this city for 6 years and have made all of 2 sets of friends, one of them being our next door neighbors. Why not attempt to reach out and touch someone?


Not THAT way! Get your mind outta the gutter!


So, with my homemade pita and hummus in hand, I went. Brought sparkling lemonade, too. Debated bringing vanilla vodka to spike it with, but wasn't sure if it was THAT kind of party. It wasn't. Good call, me

Imagine it. I'm sitting on the edge of the pool, relaxing, enjoying the fact that I'm kid-free for a few hours, and sticking my toesies in the water when this rather large chick in a pink bikini with eyes that cross ever-so-slightly plops down next to me. I'm fairly certain I had never seen her before in my life, but thought she maybe recognized me from my recent time up on stage during class or something, and allowed her to start a conversation with me. She asked me a series of rapid-fire personal questions (how old are you, do you have kids, how long have you been married, what do you do?) before I actually got to chit chat with her and figure out who the hell she was.


Turns out she goes to totally different classes than me, so I really didn't know her. But that didn't stop her from, approximately 3.7 minutes into our conversation, asking me, "Can I confide in you?". Ummmm, sure. We clearly go waaaaaay back, why not? She tells me she's Jewish. I wasn't really aware being Jewish was a big confession, so I kinda waited for the next part of the confession. Like "I'm Jewish. And an alien from Mars." Or "I'm Jewish. And would give anything to experience an uncircumcised male." Nope, just being Jewish was the big confession. Ooooookaaaayyy.

She then asks me if I know any single Jewish men. Who have never done any drugs. And who might also be saving themselves for marriage.

What. The. Fuck???? Who does she think I am, Yente?

In the next several minutes of our conversation, I find out she's 26, lives with her parents, is unemployed, and just one year ago learned how to drive on the freeway. And has been on approximately 70 first dates thanks to the Jewish dating website J-date (or something along those lines). Now, after the first 4 things I mentioned about her, does that last one surprise you, even a little? Yeah, me neither.

A few minutes later, I overhear her asking my mentor instructor if another instructor is gay. When an affirmative answer was given, her response was "But, how come he has kids, then?". Oh my. Way to be uber sensitive and pc about things that are none of your business, little lady.

Shortly after that, she began singing show tunes. I'm not kidding. Awwwwwkward!

Seriously, the whole thing was just so socially awkward, I didn't really know how to handle it. I was embarrassed for her. And ridiculously uncomfortable. Especially during her little solo performance.


Next time, I'm soooo bringing that vodka. Not for me, mind you. For her. I'm spiking her drinks, bringing a video camera, and praying for youtube gold.